my place in this world

another day in an empty house. i am getting tired of this set-up already. i am no longer happy with this. i was once told to put my walls up again. i think i should. i still can't understand why i have to live alone. what's the point of having a family when i can't even be with them all the time.

"parang linya ng kerida" was the joke he pulled on me last night. it sounded funny but it does feel true. i am the other woman. i could never compete with my husband's mom and i really feel bad because right now, she's even becoming more of a mother to our children.

i wanna detach myself right now. i guess i'm just hoping too much. i have to believe that this is as far as we can go. i have to move on. i need to go on this road myself. besides, that's what i've been doing for the longest time now, i was just believing otherwise.

picture perfect?

ever since i was a kid i've always thought about falling in love. my perfect man would be someone who's not afraid of showing his love and affection to me, even in front of his friends and family. he should be someone who would be a good father to my children, and would raise them not just in father-child way but as best friends.

it took me awhile to find the man i want to be with. i guess, i was just making sure that i wouldn't end up like my dad and mom. for so many instances, i almost ended up marrying somebody whom i thought was right for me. but i would often back out.

i'm finally married, with wonderful children and a husband who fits my perfect man to the T. so why am i not happy? why do i feel lonely? i suppose it had something to do with me living by myself while my husband and children are living together. i suppose it's because i am not sure if we'll ever be together in one house again, or if we'll really ever be together again.

it's not that i don't trust him, or me,or our love. this isn't just how i imagined my family would be, my role as a mother and wife. people have been telling me that i shouldn't be asking too much, that life isn't always how you want it to be.

sometimes i would wonder if i'm being punished ... if he's still trying to get back at me for what hss happened to us before. there are times when i would even wonder if i am just wishful thinking. am i just overdoing it, that i am just trying to pretend that this is the perfect life with the perfect man and the perfect family. what if this isn't real?

all i wanted is a family someone to go home to every night, to talk to when i'm happy or sad, to cater to, to build my life with... am i asking too much?

Kris - in Love????

nope,these aren't my words ... it 's Kris's, but i was there while he was writing these lines. uh,you can say i was his critic (hehe!) it's quite unusual to see him write poems on the spot (although lately i do hear him humming some tunes). blame it on love??? nah! he's in denial lately but i think i know him better than that...

memories from past creeps in

bittersweet moments now haunting

a feeling i'm so scared of smiles at me

do i smile back and embrace it?

i've been scarred by u many times

so much that i've become numb

you come to me now with a hope

do i open myself and let u in?

kisses and touches, innocent prelude to lust

an old friend has returned and whispers

you found me at my weakest exploit

do i succumb and let myself be consumed?

will i? ...

yes ...

not that i need to ...

it's because i want to.

dead again...